You feel stuck when it comes to religion and spirituality

You’re plagued by the questions, “What do I really believe? Am I allowed to doubt?” You can’t help but fear that your doubts mean you’re betraying God. And yet you also can’t reconcile so many mixed messages in your mind. “If God were so loving then why….?” You may even hold cherished memories of your religious experiences and yet you can’t help but notice something has changed. Is it me? Is it God? What is it?

You’re starting to realize you’ve been pretending for a while. At first it was subtle, even excusable. You told yourself, “This is just how it is. This is how it’s done. There’s no harm in playing the part.” But the mask is growing increasingly heavy and awkward to keep wearing. Something is nagging at you – you just can’t put your finger on it. Your feelings and thoughts are starting to drift from the certainty you’ve clung to for so long. In fact, the longer this goes on, the less of a sense you have of yourself, of God, of everything. You wonder, “Have I ‘sold out?’ Is God testing me?” And yet somehow you sense it’s more complicated than that.

You’re beginning to notice feelings of resentment. Why am I rolling my eyes during the teachings/sermons? I’ve become hyper-critical of everything! Why does it feel painful to see people freely worshiping? Why can’t I get into the songs that used to be so moving? And yet, you can’t help but notice something has changed.

You’re also noticing increasingly uncomfortable feelings of fear or dread at the pit of your stomach. What would it mean to leave, or even take a break? You’re nervous about the implications. Will they judge me?

You can’t help but wonder about the leadership. You’re noticing that certain topics are off the table – untouchable. Certain questions aren’t allowed to be asked. The more you pay attention, the more you notice a hierarchy…some people are esteemed as more spiritual or closer to God than others, and these people seem to carry more influence over others. You’re not sure what to make of it.

Your first instinct is to take responsibility for all these confusing feelings and observations – “Maybe my faith is too small? Maybe I’m not praying enough? Maybe it’s spiritual warfare? Or my time in the desert?”

You fondly recall earlier powerful moments in the church or group that you were a part of. Life-changing moments that motivated you and gave you a purpose. You acknowledge the tight-knit community with a single-minded vision and recall how committed you felt to the cause, to them, to the leadership. You were inspired and it was your mission to inspire others!

However, as time went on, you started realizing that you lost a little bit of yourself. It’s hard to know where you end and the group begins. The powerful moments and miraculous breakthroughs started becoming increasingly difficult to sustain. You’ve prayed, you’ve fasted, you’ve sacrificed. And it’s not working like it used to.

Sometimes spiritual or religious experience can be so powerfully positive. Life changing, even! However, sometimes things take a turn. It can be so incredibly confusing because lots of people think of religion as a safe place – a healing place. And yet there are religious leaders, environments, and families that can contaminate that safe place and even cause harm. Sometimes it’s obvious and other times it’s subtle. At times, the subtlety of it is what gets to us. It’s easy to excuse, overlook, or even rationalize. It can be isolating and even painful to start to acknowledge your doubts and to come to terms with your feelings and experiences. It may even feel like a betrayal – of God, of your family, of your community, or even of yourself. It can feel incredibly isolating and confusing.